the morning after.

Because I miss your long messages that were always filled with something sweet.

Because I hate where we are now.

Because I don't want to be a whiny bitch.

Because I wish I wasn't so clingy.

Because I regret not being there for you.

Because I've finally realised how mean I was to leave you like that.

Because I don't want to seem like I can't let go.

Because I don't want to lose you.

Because there's really no one else I'd rather think about after a long day out.

Because it's two in the morning and all I can think about is you.

But for now, I just can't deal with this. I can't stand the whole friends things. I can't stand just watching you pour your heart and soul to someone else when that person used to be me.

I hate the aftermath of things. It's like in one of the episodes on Grey's where the full effect of a patient's injuries were only felt after the heart stopped pumping adrenalin to the body. In similar ways, after keeping myself busy for so long by just spending time with friends, going out every day since the holidays have started and just doing things, I only felt the full blown effects of the past week's incidents when I was given the chance had nothing else to do but to think about them. Maybe this is why I've always taken pleasure in keeping myself busy. In a way it helps me run away from whatever it is that's slowly catching up with me from the back of my mind.

I hate over thinking things. It's a habit I wish I could lose. I'm so analytical when it comes to certain things that many a time, I spend waste a lot of time looking at a situation from every angle possible. And it's not like it does me any favours anyways. To no surprise, over thinking the whole crap I have as a "love life" lead me to feel pretty crummy today.

Which then made me realise another thing. Under normal circumstances, I'd have someone to accompany me at times like this just so I don't feel like I'm facing the whole thing alone. But as I was scrolling down my phonebook (since the one person I normally turn to during times like this was being is a jackass), I realised that I no longer feel like I have someone to turn to. Sure, very often, friends would always say "If there's anything wrong, you can turn to me". But how many really actually mean it when they say it like that? How many actually wouldn't mind you ranting on about whatever it is that you can't get out of your mind? As I see it, it's pretty pathetic to have a phonebook full of contact numbers and yet I still feel like I've been left alone. Now I can see why people start befriending Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.

I'm not sure if today's post really had a point to it. I guess if there's no one for me to rant my feelings out to, I might as well blog about it just so I could get it off my chest. I'm in need of another outing. Anyone up for it?

"Because you can never go from going out to being friends just-like-that. It's a lie. It's just something that people say to take the permanence out of a break up. And someone always takes it to mean more than it does and then it hurts even more when inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship and it's like breaking up all over again...but messier."

jue*light up, light up, as if you have a choice.