Tuesday, June 27, 2006

pull myself together just to fall once more.

She's so sick of crying. She's so sick of breaking down. She's so sick of having no one to hold on to.

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I never knew pretending to be happy could be this hard. The past few weeks have been rather hard on poor little Jue. From the elections for Interact last week to intense cheer practices and the competition this weekend to just my own relationships with him and my friends. I swear, just a little nudge and my world might just come crumbling down...again.

Don't you dare call me a drama queen. This is my space, so I say what I want whenever I want to. Click the red button on the top right of your screen if you don't agree. Please and thank you. :)

Ooh. Jue is cranky. I'm just so exhausted. So exhausted from the show I've been putting up for everyone. The show must go on. So I plaster a bright white smile on my face and smile for everyone. I'm amazed no one can see right through, but hey, the less questions the better. Honestly, I have all these feelings inside of me. A whole m . i . x pudding of feelings but for the first time ever, I feel like I've got no one to go to. No one to rant to, no one to talk to so I could feel better again.

I miss the feeling of knowing I had someone to turn to whenever I needed a little boost. I've been drowning and drowning, and I just can't see that helping hand to pull me up to the surface. I just don't feel like anyone would understand what I'm going through. I'm dying to rant out to someone, but all I'll get is the "Are you crazy?" look or a laugh, they thinking it was a whole joke. Gee, thanks.
I just wanna feel l.o.v.e.d again. I miss that. I miss him. It's all going to end so soon. I'm so scared to know what's gonna happen next. What's in store for me in the future?

But then again, do I REALLY wanna know?

jue*you're the words that weren't enough.

Friday, June 16, 2006

its the way that he kisses you.

I think I've been procrastinating this post for way too long. Assignments are finally over and the interview is done with. Truthfully, I expected the interview to be much worst, but it went pretty okay. Hopefully, my assignments and everything else I've done would proof that I am worthy. OMG. So cheesy. Recap on the holidays :-

27th-30th : Trolak.
31st : Hameer's bday. Went to OU. :)
1st : So-called KT reunion.
2nd : Went to OU with David, Meer, Ling, Nique, Jil and Ken to see my baby.
3rd & 4th : Rest days. :)
5th : Grandma left for Ipoh. SOULed Out with Muffy Popz & Vanu for Elena's pre-party. Slept over. High on oxygen. ;)
6th : Elena's party :D. Don't need no description.
7th : Cheer practice then Mcdeez.
8th : Cheer practice then Mcdeez.
9th : Cheer practice then no Mcdeez. :(
10th : My grandad's cousin's grandaughter's wedding dinner. ;p
11th : Makan-makan at Hameer's place. Perfect way to end the holidays. :):)

I guess it'll be a lie if I said I didn't spend my holidays well. I don't have any regrets really. I liked every bit of it. So, yeah. :). I'm going no where with this post. I guess it's just for a little reminder on the good times. HAHA. Still no pictures from Trolak and Lena's cause some evil souls don't want to send them to me. Grr.

jue*cause i wanna feel the thunder, i wanna scream.

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

you, me and a bottle of wine.

Parents are ridiculous. Honestly. They're so crazy sometimes. They think they know alot about our lives, but they really don't. Not cause we kids don't tell them, more like cause they just don't listen to what we have to say. Sometimes, I just wish my parents didn't care. Have they forgotten how it was like to be a teenager? They talk about all they wild stuff they did when they were this age, but yet, they don't allow their own kids on a simple outing. What. Ever.

Fifth June Two Thousand and Six

After weeks of planning, the party most of us have been waiting is just a day away. Tables and chairs have been ordered, clothes bought, invitations out. Yes, Elena Teh Su Yin was about to have a party that she would remember for the rest of her life - her very own Sweet Sixteen. But whats a party without a PRE-party. So the Muffy Popz Belle, Nique, Lena, Shal, Jue and erm, special guest Vanu went to SOULed Out for dinner. I think we spent more money on drinks then food. I had lamb, and gosh. It was absolutely delish! And to compliment my food I had "orange juice" (+vodka) and strawberry (margarita). So fruity. :)

I swear, it wasn't the drinks, but Elena and I were just so happy that night. Having dinner with friends that you care so much about. Nothing could beat that man. We were looking oh-so-pretty, all high in oxygen. I don't seem to be able to explain everything. Some things are better left unsaid right? Ooh. We suprised Elena with a birthday song and cake! It was so hilarious. They made her wear the birthday hat that was just on some bald guy's head. They even gave a picture that was full of "germs". We looked so happy, we were so happy. Nothing could make us feel bad that day. It was like us six fighting against reality. :)

We slept over that night. Yes, for once, we actually did sleep...at about six in the morning. We spent the night painting our nails, getting glitter tattoos, catching up on issues, watching TV, fighting ants, sneaking out, chasing dogs and erm, eating vanilla ice cream+hershey's choc+gummy bears+sprinkles. I had only vanilla ice cream though. The way I like it. :). Due to a tiring day before with cheer practice and all, i dozed off at five something. I could still here Elena screaming to Nique at 06.06.06 am on the 6th of june 06. See the connection? Haha. Belle, Vanu, Shal and I couldn't bother though. Sleep was calling us :). Sorry la Lena, still love you right? And that is SO proven when I stayed over eventhough I had cheer practice the next morning.

Sixth June Two Thousand and Six

After cheer practice and add math tuition, Nique and I got ready together. I slipped on my newly bought dress, got my make up and hair done then went to Lena's. Unfortunately, it was raining cats and dogs so the tables and chairs had to be moved to the porch area. Slowly, people started arriving. Most of them got either the time of the party wrong, or got lost while trying to find the house. The place was wild I tell you. The guys were so smartly dressed in their blazers and shirts. The girls were so gorgeous in their dresses. Sigh, Elena can be really persuasive.

Finally, my *ahem* date arrived. Who else other than Lexandl Gan Yan Hien. Such a loser I tell you. He can't tell the difference between greenish blue (not the best example)and greyish blue. Colour blind, but its okay, I still love him just as much. :). The food served was absolutely delish - satay, roti jala, lasagne, spaghetti, mash potato, chicken wings; just to name a few. We talked and talked for ages. I was running around the place as though I was incharge of the party, cause Lena was too stressed out as it is. Contrary to what Adlan said, I give fantastic directions and managed to direct people to the house eventhough I'm not from that area. Go me. :D

We later moved into the hall only for Mr. Elena's Dad and Mrs. Elena's Mum to embarass her with a slideshow presentation. Yup, we saw pics of her ever since she was a little baby to her primary school years to now. Half way through I was like, "Thank GOD my mum doesn't know how to use the computer". There was even horrible pictures of me in Form 2. In Guides uniform nonetheless. And at the end, there were pictures of us from the night before! Her in her beloved Birthday Hat! I swear, she would have killed us if she could. I know it was because she was burying her head in embarassement so she couldn't reach out to strangle the other five of us. But it'd like to think its because she loves us too much. Oh yes she does.

Me, being the awesome music person that I am, included 783 fabulous songs into her Nano. One of them was Butterfly Kisses - her fav. She danced that ever so sweetly with her dad while the rest of us "awww"-ed in the background. Due to erm, requests, the dance songs were played first where everyone the girls grooved their asses to the beat. And then me, being the ichified person switched the song to Unbelivable by Craig David. Most dates took this opportunity to dance cause well, Elena would have killed them if they didn't (persuasion again). Then, everyone went on doing what they do best...lepak.

Some decided to continue dancing, some decided to spin around in circles, some decided to sit and chat, some decided to eat cake. HAHA. Later on, I danced to Tong Hua and I'll Be with Ming. All these slow dance virgins. The last people to stay were some of the guys. They helped clear up by ta pau-ing food in plastic bags. The award for most food taken back has to go to Kye Min..that skinny guy. -_-. We cut Lena's second cake as well. OMG. Worth every penny. Cost more than her dress. I wish I took that back home.

Lena's dad dropped Lingesh back home. I know where you live man. ;). Sleptover again. We talked for a bit before dozing off. I was so tired, I didn't bother removing my make up or changing out of my dress.

The past three days was nothing short of pure awesomeness. I can't believe the party is actually over. Damn anti climax now. Haha. And I'll take this opportunity to thank Lex for an awesome night and Elena for an awesome party. Of course la it was so great, I bloody co-planned it with her and provided damn good music as well. Haha. :). I think I used the word "awesome" too much.

jue*like a movie without an ending.

Monday, June 5, 2006

you're the words that weren't enough.

Honestly, I think I've lost all spirit to blog. I used to be so hyped up about blogging, constantly reminding myself to put that thought or this picture into my next post. I guess being out of blogging for so long (considering I used to blog almost daily), I've lost the momentum. Heh, physics. :D.

I thought that if I changed my blog, I would be able to leave my memories behind. Just keep it somewhere far but near enough for me to look back if I ever needed to. (oh, god forbid!). Recently, a friend commented on my sudden change of views. How I used to be so amazingly close to a certain someone, but suddenly, my posts started mentioning hatred and such. Don't mistaken it for a five second change of mind, I guess it was all the build up.

As this is a new blog, I shall not bring up past experiances. Its just hard to start anew when so much revolves around the things you wish you could leave behind. Lets just see how long this can work out. Its as though I'm building a new relationship with me, myself and I. A few years down the road, I hope I can look back and not regret the decisions I'm about to make.

Moving on, I was quite reluctant to start this topic here but I guess I will, just to occupy my time. This could be just me, but I'm starting to realize a lot of people are pretty involved in the little thing we call L.O.V.E. A lot of my friends are currently "involved" with their respective "soul mates". Believe me, the vision of soul mate is far from my mind. I know its almost impossible to describe a relationship. To know that someone out there who isn't obliged to loved you, does. The fact that other than your family, you have someone else to turn to that gets you and understands your needs, your wants, your desires. The fact that even the most simple thought of him/her could brighten up your entire day.

I can just hear the objections being yelled back at me. Many would beg to differ. If you haven't been in one, i guess you just won't know. Our elders have preeched time and time again on how stupid we are to get involved so early. That we're pretty silly to get caught up in what we youngsters would refer to as "love". True, a breakup or heartbreak can pretty much destroy your entire life next couple of months. But we learn to move on. We build a better us, learning from our own mistakes. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

As long as we can see the thin line that seperates obsession and liking, we're pretty much safe. I just find it silly when a person puts their relationship of a couple of months on top of their friendship of years. That special someone could be on top of your priority list, but heck, no one is asking you to totally ignore your other friends. They are the ones that will be with you when things go wrong, you know?

I could go on for a million years about love and every subtopic it has to offer, but this tummy ache I've been having since last night, and this constant feeling of wanting to throw up my guts forces me to just end my post here. It's getting a little draggy anyway.

jue*you kick up the leaves and the magic is lost.

Friday, June 2, 2006

you could use a fresh beginning too. :)

TROLAK. - 4 days, 3 nights of absolute fun.

To be honest, I wasn't really looking forward to this camp. I guess I was just afraid of what was in store for me, the fact that I didn't know what was going to happen. Me being pushed out of my comfort zone isn't exactly something I love to do in my past time. There were 17 Amanians chosen to participate in Trolak. As every other Interactor would have preeched, the Trolak Supercamp wasn't just about getting to know others from the other six ICC schools, it was about building a better you -one equiped with confidence, leadership and speaking skills.

Back to camp, we 17 Amanians boarded the bus along with Interactors from La Salle and CHS. The bus ride there was farely alright. I entertained myself with a abg of Cheesels, Nique's Ipod and conversations with whoever else who decided to land their asses behind. Apart from that, some of us decided to torment the rest with the "99 bottles of beer" song. They got so sick of us they decided to blast the music. Haha. You poor souls. :)

A few wrong turnings after, we arrived at our destination - Trolak Country Resort. It's actually under FELDA Plantation for oil palm. All 116 of us were divided into four different colour groups. I was sorted into PINK - later known as Pisang Pink Panther Panjang or 4Ps; along with Faye, Zai, Amira, Min Wai, Warren, Kien Fatt, Nadrah, Foo Soon and erm, Junkie (I don't know his real name!). We had a short telematch where my group collected the least points. NO matter, plenty of time. Afterall, our four days were just about to start.

Day One ended with nothing much. I was still being the same ol' timid me. Slowly building the courage to speak to others other than the ones I already know. In my opinion, the first night was the best out of the lot. After the Rotaractors came to check on us and some minor complications sorted out, Kye Min, Kim and David snuck into the Aman bungalow. We tried entertained ourselves (legally mind you) but we slowly fell asleep. Fell asleep on Kye Min mind you. For a skinny guy, he can be pretty comfortable. Kim the selfish boy took one whole mattress and pillow to himself. After sending the guys off, I thought of getting some more shut eye. Kim later messaged to go out. I crept out of the bungalow with some girls and ohmygosh, the stars. Just everywhere. All over the sky. You can't get views like this in KL, what with all the pollution and bright lights. But here, it seemed so perfect. Star gazing, one of my greatest weaknesses.

The activities for day two and three were set according to group. My group had High Rope and Obstacle Course. On the way to High Rope, Amira and I as usual were walking together to the site when we heard two guys behind us talking about exams. Amira turned behind and said, "You still have exams after this?". And from there onwards, a friendship begun. A unique one that I will always treasure between Amira, Warren, Min Wai and me. Shayang you guys to tiny oreo bits. Anyway, truthfully, I was scared of climbing the rope at first, considering my short hands. From down, it seemed impossible for my little hands to stretch so far to get hold of the next rope. I still climbed it though, rather fast in fact. In the end, there was nothing much to be scared of. Obstacle Course was alright. Nothing I've never done before. I think we really showed team coorperation during this. We even did a simple elevator stunt for one of the obstacle course. Warren, our very own monkey. :)

Night two was rather uneventful. We presented our sketch that all the groups were assigned to do earlier on the 90/10 concept. Although my group only grabbed second spot, I think we did an awesome job. With Jamaican mothers, Parriappa, Pushpa, Madame Papaya Panjang and all. I fell alseep waiting for a call. Yes, me, the one who doesn't need sleep to function fell asleep. What can I say? Everyone had their own plans and I don't like waiting for calls.

All of us woke up late the next day. When Shobs and I went for breakfast, Foo Soon was the only one in the room. My group had river rafting and jungle trekking today. During river rafting, we were split into three different groups. I was in the same group as Warren, Min Wai, Debra, Farah, Amira, Foo Soon and Faye. I think we were the most awesome group. In the first five seconds, our first float burst as it slammed into the side of the river. At the same time, Farah lost her paddle. With one side sinking, we managed to paddle ourselves outta the "dangerous zone". We continued paddling into places we shoudn't be until eventually we got stuck onto another raft that was stuck onto the log. When the other raft was released, our raft still couldn't move. We found out that the bottom of our raft was hooked onto the log. So slowly, one by one we got ON to the log so it would be easier for the guy to unhook ou raft. As the weight on the log started shifting, our raft overturned, resulting in a few people being dunked into the river.

Unlike the previous day, the water level only came up to about 2 feet, so we survived. No one drowned. Foo Soon thought he was going to though, so he decided to pull Debra down with him. Then, as we thought things couldn't get any worst, our log became unbalanced so we fell into the river once more. We climbed back on only to realize our log was moving with the current. Following Faye's lead, we started paddling the log with the remaining four paddles. Once the raft was unhooked, we jumped back on and continued paddling to our destination. Not without hitting a few more trees and branches of course. At the end of the whole journey, we were left with only two paddles from the original six, a few scratches but tons of laughter and good memories that heck, you can only get once in a lifetime.

I was happy with jungle trekking cause I didn't get any leech bites. I guess they don't fancy me, but its okay. I don't quite fancy them either. We gave ourselves nicknames to be called in the jungle, and somehow my name turned out to be Madulina because Warren thought that was my real name or B2 cause Amira was dubbed B1. Min Wai got called Leng Chai, Faye was named Pacatinator or Pacat and Warren was called the Pope. Hilarious I tell you. The Rescue Team which helped the damsels (not so) in distress cross little puddles and climb up hills did an awesome job so a big round of applause to them.

Night Three. Our last night at Trolak. You could see it in everyone's faces. No one wanted to leave. No one wanted to get out of the camp mode and return to reality. But since when do we get what we want? After a failed attempt to start off a dance floor in the conference room, the "party" moved back to the Anona(s). I spent the part of the night walking up and down the streets with Warren, Amira, Min Wai and Faye. Then, we took out a mattress and lay beneath the stars. The others slowly started coming, so in order to continue our P&C conversation, we moved to Warren's room. Talked and talked. Went back outside. Walked around a little. Then went to Min's room. Believe me, we did want to talk, just that, sleep sounded so much nicer. Poor Min Wai had to cover himself with a towel cause I stole his blankie. *woops*. ;)

Joined the rest outside later on. Just imagine this : About 20 Interactors sleeping on a tar road under the stars. Might not seem great, but it was simply bliss. Take my word for it. I'm sigh-ing as I type this out cause I know that this memories can never be relived nor replaced. It's one of those memories which just stay in your heart forever, constantly being referred to as times that nothing in the world could have destroyed it. Luckily, I moved into the room before it started raining. Some unlucky others got wet running in the rain. Haha. Woke up late the next day and was forced to skip breakfast. Haha.

Olivia, a lady for the States gave a talk on Children At Risk the next day. You could see everyone's eyes slowly shutting due to lack of sleep. Hearts were heavy as we sang Auld Lang Syne. I think its safe to say that not one person wanted this to end. I know I didn't. I did know that I will never forget the memories built during Trolak, the things I've learnt, the people I've met. I know that eventhough it was just four days, it was four magical days that will never ever, in any way be replaced. Its gonna take one hell of a camp to come close to Trolak Supercamp 06'.

And this is my silent prayer, to whoever who happens to stumble onto this page, to whoever who is willing to listen. This is my silent prayer that all of us won't forget the things that happened in Trolak. This is my silent prayer that we will still stay close in the years to come. We're more than friends, we're Trolak buddies.
Sigh, its good to be back. :)

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime. We'll take the best, forget the rest, and someday we'll find these are the best of times.

jue* all that i do comes back to you.