so just hold me tight, and never let me go.

Last night marked the third night I cried myself to sleep this week. There hasn't been a night in this past few months where my thoughts didn't wander, where my mind didn't go to a place beyond my control. I hate being left alone, I hate being given the silence to ponder on things I know I shouldn't be thinking off. But at a tender age of 15, how am I to know how to control my thoughts? To block off the feelings I don't want to feel?

Ever since young I've learnt to not show how I truly feel in front of people. The tears and the anger were kept behind closed doors, for showing too much emotion just potreyed weakness. God forbid it would be used against you. A little cry in front of my parents and it'll be the dinner table conversation the next day. Ever since young I've learnt to stifle up those cries and force a smile because what they don't know won't hurt them, right?

But lately, things has just been so different. I know it'll never be the way it was, I've come to terms with that. So much energy used on those wasted tears that by the time the sun rises, there's no more energy left in me to go by the whole day.

Everyone I thought I was/am close with, everyone I thought that cared seems to be disappearing one by one. The worse thing is to lose someone you care about, but imagine losing them all at once? Swimming up to the surface has never been this difficult before. Imagine being stuck in an unknown place and you frantically look around, searching for a familiar face. There's no one there you know, everyone's just a blur of faces. You try to scream, to yell a cry for help. You just want someone to notice, someone to talk to, someone to help you. But you're alone. And there's no way out.

That's exactly how I feel right now. A big ball of mess.

And oh god, I miss him so much. Images of the times we had keep running through my head. There's nothing I can do, as much as I want to believe there is. I try so desperately to grasp on to the things that once held us so close, but I'm slowly losing grip. I've never been one to let go so easily but who knew it would be so hard? And I miss him the most when I'm dark and lonely. I miss him because he used to be is that ray of sunshine, that special someone who could brighten up my day, anyday. I've never felt so lost without someone. I've never wanted someone as much as I want him to come back. But we all know what they say, "You always want what you can't have..."

jue*i haven't seen the sunshine in three damn days.

forget what we're told, before we get too old.

If I lay here,
If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Sigh, memories.

jue*underneath the walnut tree, where you said you'll wait for me.

was it something i did? was it something you said?

I had this whole post mapped out in my head. I was so happy cause I finally had something with enough substance, my thoughts were finally flowing out and the world could read all about it.

But then, I opened this page the words disappeared. No more flowery sentences, no more exposing my deepest darkest feelings. I think I might just be heading towards depression. I have a very strong urge to just hide in a hole now. Kinda reminds me of an ostritch.

...And I'm so not a drama queen.

jue*nothing sucks more than being alone no matter how many people there are.

the leaves are brown and the sky is grey.

I've typed, canceled, retyped, canceled, typed, canceled and retyped again, only to come up with nothing but a whole bunch of gibberish. It's kinda funny to think that I could be at lost for words when I'm me.

Lunch with Superman (somehow that looks a lot like Spiderman) today was pretty nice. Except for the fact he refused (yes refused, just admit it) to fly there (or just hail a cab for goodness sakes) so we walked all the way to Jaya. I'm making it seem far so imagine this..AAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE WAAAAAAYYYYY. On our two feet :(. Wasn't even in the mood to lose those extra flabs. But its cool :).

I think this post has got to be one of the lousiest post I've ever posted. Oh well. Just give me some time and (hopefully) I'll get my writing streak back. Cheers.

jue*just because he loves you, doesn't mean he'll take a bullet for you.

there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach.

Looking back on us six years back, who knew we would end up being as close as we are now? I was this little kid, new to everyone and everything, getting accustomed to morning session life and being "almost-seniors". Being in different classes, we had two different sets of friends. I don't remember when we first officially met, but I'm guessing its through Jen, since she's our only common link then. You thought I was a s.n.o.b (hehe!), while I didn't quite now who you were. In Std. 6, we were seperated once more but concrete and bricks couldn't prevent us from getting to know each other a little more. By the end of primary school, we already had nicknames for each other and sudden crashes to each other's places (with bamboos!) were common. Afterall, only one (big, bad) road seperated us :). Our end year resort trip to Rawang was just <3.

I don't know about you, but I was pretty dissapointed when we ended up in different classes yet again for Form 1. Thank goodness we had Moral class together and our little AisyaCarmenClarissaZhen gang was just funny. Daphne eyh? ;). Form 2 was our first year being in the same class and boyy did it kick ass. Form Three we were seperated again but it didn't stop us from being in (almost) the exact same club and socities. Not like we planned it or anything. Just...fate. Haha. And now we're in Form 4. I'm just a table behind you, always there in case you need someone to turn back and talk to you (thats if I'm not already talking to you).

So since today's your special day, I'm going to use the power of cyberspace to wish you 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 BIG fat birthday wishes just because you're one of my most awesomemest awesome friends :).

Thank you for sticking up for me through all the good times and horrible times. Thank you for listening to my nonsense and dealing with my (veryvery) sick mind on a daily basis. Thank you for all the rides I've hitched you. Thank you for providing me with lunch every Tuesday and Friday. Thank you for not only wiping my tears but crying with me. Thank you for being then when I needed someone to talk to. Thank you for being the person that you are and the person that you will always be.

And eventhough we could be as different as we are, I know that even when the time for us to go our seperate ways comes, we would still be as close as ever, cause not even an ocean as big as the universe could seperate BEST friends.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIQUE :)

Tons of hugs, kisses, laughter, and all that jazz.

jue*what you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.

real guys go for real down to mars girls.

Just because...

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy

When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know. From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up. And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.

Why Don't You Have a Boyfriend?

You Are 24% Scary

You scare men off ocassionaly, but only very weak men. You're a normal woman. You're not perfect, but you're pretty darn close.

Do You Scare Off Men?

You Are Confident Sexy

You're one sexy chica, and you know it. You've got the confidence to strut your stuff... And approach any man who happens to catch your eye. You may make a guys run away, but the true men will appreciate your moxie.

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

Men See You As: An Attainable Challenge

You know how to make your man crave more of you But you also know when to show some interest back You're good at keeping your guy guessing And over time, you'll let him know how you really feel

Are You a Challenge?

You Are 55% Bitchy

Generally, you're an average woman, with average moods. But sometimes... well, watch out! Sometimes, you let your mean side get the better of you. And you enjoy every minute of it.

How Bitchy Are You?

And just for Hang...

You Are Blonde Highlights

Men see you as flexible and versatile - you fit in to every situation You've got the inner glow of a blonde, the intensity of a redhead... And the wisdom of a brunette.

How Blonde Are You?

jue*i'm losing my mind, everything's (not) fine.

it all could go away in one blink of an eye.

There were so many people in the house - my house. People of my own imagination whom I've never met before yet we talked like we've known each other for centuries. Time must have flown by cause we weren't 16 year old teenage brats but married adults of our late 20s.

Just last night, there were two funerals. One of someone I wasn't familiar with and one of his grandmother. I can still remember his face clearly. His tear glands were on overdrive, his face all red from crying.

Scenes from of the rest of the night was a blur.

The next morning, close family members and friends were in the kitchen preparing for breakfast. I was wiping dishes with his wife. Then, he walked into the room. He squeezed my hand, kissed me on the cheek and said,

"Hello darl, how are you?"

....just like old times.

jue*and momma i've been crying cause things aren't how they used to be.