on the kitchen floor.

This is Matt.

This is his brainchild.

Good job Matt, good job.

she stole everything your heart desires.

I was scanning through the old files on my computer when I found this.

"And I wrote this note about someone I used to know"

- Headlights, The Classic Crime.

----------------------------------------------------

The only reason why I didn't want to tell you this on the phone was because I wanted to construct my words properly. I needed time to siphon through my thoughts, and tell you how I feel. But firstly, I'm sorry if this email reaches you at a wrong time. I have never intended to rain on your parade, especially with thoughts that you're about to read.

I don't know where to begin.

I haven't told anyone about last night, other than the jist of the story to Mandy&Nique. I thought I could handle it by myself, that the feelings I've been experiencing since last night would soon pass but it doesn't seem to be working out that way. You may not be accustomed to the bitchings in a girl's school, especially when boys are involved and I doubt I'll ever know the main reason why you said the things you did, but it hurt. And it hurt bad.

After your install on Monday, I told you I'd take a step back because this would be unfair for her. I told you that the longer friendship you've had with her isn't worth giving up. But then you called and you said that wasn't what you wanted. Then you said that you don't want us to end just like this and how you're not going to give up easily. For the next few days, you were a constant reassurance. I was worried you'd listen to the rumours and despite you saying you'd ignore them, deep down I had this feeling that eventually, you would give in to the pressure. I hoped that you didn't. I kept my fingers crossed. But last night you proved me all my doubts to be true.

I don't know what to say anymore.

I believed every word you said.

But with that one blog post, you changed. The only reason why I convinced myself that I could take the bitching, that I could take the criticism from everyone, that I can at the end survive all of this was because I knew that no matter what they say, at the end of the day, I would have you. I'd be the one with you by my side. I felt that even though they said whatever they did, they would never get the satisfaction of seeing us fall apart. Not so soon anyways. I felt so secure around you, so protected, so content. But now I feel like you've turned your back on me, like you've gone against the words you've said so frequently in the past which really makes me rethink how much of the words that you've uttered so far were the truth.

And I was really beginning to fall for you.

Maybe this is all a little too much thinking for one person. Maybe I'm over thinking things.

I still haven't figured out how you could let go so easily. I'm grateful you were honest with your feelings but did you ever think how much it hurt when you were thinking that the both of us was a mistake? You made it seem that I was the reason for this drama to be screwing up your master plan of being a better you. I'm praying that this is all just a case of extreme paranoia, but something's telling me that I'm not imagining this. So I'm sorry I screwed up your life plan. I'm sorry I messed your life up. And I'm sorry we ever had to come to this.

We talk now but I'm just counting down the days until you become creditless and we stop our daily conversations. I've never believed that absence makes the heart grow fonder, it just drives people apart. I told you two nights ago that I'm not ready for you to leave just yet.

This may be a little too much to intake at one go but I really think that this needed to be said. There are so many things between us that have question marks now. I don't know what to do. I agree that nothing good ever comes easy. I just thought we'd be lucky and we could prove them wrong.

You may not be feeling the same and I don't blame you. This email may push you further away and in no means am I pressuring you to do things that you're not ready to. If I could turn back time, I would but I guess the recent events have really put things into perspective. I miss the way things were, I miss the sweet messages, I miss us. The us before all of this. There's nothing more I want than to be in your arms but somehow that doesn't feel right anymore.

There's something missing and I don't know what it is. I want to put this all behind but like you said, it'll always remain there.

I don't know what you're thinking about now. I don't want this to end. But I don't know if you're feeling the same way.

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells now where my every move can just drive us further apart.

Prove me wrong. Prove to me that this can still work.

I'm officially calling it quits.

and i think of you.

Well it's not so bad,

You're only the best I ever had.

there could be nothing better.

It didn't feel right back there, something just felt so wrong. The words didn't flow as easily as it used to, the sentences just didn't make sense.

I figured a new layout would do the trick but the nagging voice at the back of my head didn't seem to quiet down. Then I contemplated new URLs, hoping it would make a significant difference. I didn't wanna lose what I wrote before, but nothing seemed to work.

So I did the inevitable. I created an entirely new blog, just with a familiar address. And honestly, it feels good to be back :)

Blog is under yet another renovation.

...or potentatial removal.

Cheers.