i remember being ready and waiting to fall.

I've typed and retyped this post and yet I'm still not satisfied with the outcome. So many memories from today. So many good memories and I just don't want to let it get lost through the words. So here goes another attempt.

*inhales*

For the past few days, I've been so fickle minded about the whole thing. To go, not to go, to go, not to go. And up till 11.30pm last night, I was as fickle minded as ever. But as Vid said, it was my last year and I wasn't going to give this up just because of someone people.

I started off the day feeling a little pessimistic. But then again, that's a given. I kept on snoozing my alarm clock till Miriam the Mei Erness decided to message me early in the morning and say she was on the way. So I dragged my lazy ass out of bed, opened the door for her, plunked her in front of the TV and got ready. Carmen came late as usual but that was nothing compared to how late Esther&Vid were. And seriously, they were so late, we left without them. But without taking pictures first :).

We checked our registration upon arrival but that wasn't the only things we were checking out. Hee :). Quote Adli, "This is a treasure hunt okay. Not a manhunt". More like boyyhunt la. Anyway, we were all waiting for Esther, Ash and Vid to arrive to start of the hunt. Damn malu okay, we kept on being asked about their whereabouts. And we kept on saying "on the way, 5 mins more". Well when they finally arrived, we were given the first clue and off we went. Hee :).

Anyhoo, so we had to run around the school looking for our shadows - Wan Qing and Jeremy -(which took us ages btw) and then we were off to Dataran Merdeka. "Oh, where's that? Can walk ah?" -___-. I don't get why the shadows just wouldn't show themselves. The sooner we find them, the sooner they're team will win right?

So on the way, Dan messaged saying we were like one of the last and so many teams have come and gone. Liar. This cleaning lady scolded Esther&I for running on the floor she wasn't sweeping. So bitchy okay. Like even bitchier than me when Kim starts talking about the pole. When we found the base masters, Dan&friends tricked us and we almost ran the wrong way but we didn't. Cause if we did, they would never have the chance to celebrate Father's Day.

After snapping some shots and not solving a clue, we were off to a forest trail near CBN. I didn't even know this place existed so you see, treasure hunts are educational :). It was quite misleading la, since it was called KL Towersomethingorrather so a few teams got lost but because our shadows were so awesome, we walked to the place without (many) complaints. Hee :). After tying our feet together, walking down a slope, counting periuk kera rubbish bins (which the base masters thought were mushrooms) and finding out the meanings of words I can't pronounce, we walked some more to get to our next base, KL Sentral.

Being as fickle minded as ever, we couldn't decided which line to take so we walked back and forth between the Star Line and Putra. We were running around KL Sentral looking for the base masters when we saw this suspicious looking guy in sunnies near KFC. Finally found the base masters at McDeez and turns out, that suspicious looking guy was Haikal, the photographer we were supposed to look for. Got our picture taken and went back to the base masters where I was identified as "Dan(ial)'s friend". Gee, thanks.

By the time we go to KLCC, we were like starving little kids so while Carmen&Esther waited for the next clue, Miriam, our shadows, a whole bunch of unknown Victorians and me decided to stop by Burger King for a quick bite. Wan Qing kept on offering us coupons and vouchers and the boyys were so greedy buying so many burgers they couldn't finish. Miriam and I spent a good 15 minutes being very chinese with the drinks where we kept on drinking and refilling them ("Drink until puas-puas then refill again lorh!") until this guy was like, "Still not enough?". *woops*.

Ugly picture goes up just to prove how tired we were.

We then rushed off to Bukit Jalil. The pretty long train ride there was quite rewarding cause we finally managed to rest our tired asses off while talking about sticking up fingers in places I don't wish to mention here. Met another Victorian on the way (didn't bother finding out his name) and we finally introduced ourselves to Wan Qing. Haha. I have never realised how BIG Bukit Jalil actually is until day. See, educational once more. But seriously, the place is HUGE. We were actually one of the first teams to arrive but because we couldn't figure out the stupid OKU thing, we were like the 6th to leave.

Randomness : Hugging Holy Boyy is so much more satisfying than hugging other boys. Simply because he actually hugs and not just pats you on the back or tries to find the hook of your bra. (Don't try finding the hook of my bra Dan -_-).

After getting soaked in the rain, being cheered on by the guys as we were getting soaked in the rain, having Wan Qing laugh at us and Jeremy pretend to not know us during the train ride back and climbing over the divider while risking our lives cause we were too lazy to use the pedestrian bridge, we F-I-N-A-L-L-Y reached back at VI. We were all prepared to climb over the wall but just as we stepped into school, the gate was unlocked so at least we had some sort of luck today :).

We hung around for a while longer, randomly snapping pictures and gossiping before the prize giving. Miriam and I evaluated the guys comparing them to BBians and sorry la, but you BB Boys don't stand close. Hee :). Hung around a little while longer, laughed at IC pictures and stole 50 bucks ("You do know that constitutes as rape right?") while trying to convince multiple guys to drop us back home. But true to their nature as jackasses, they refused to have six very gorgeous and very wet girls in their car so we actually had to find our own way back. And they had to cheek to honk and wave at us. But at the end, Ming came to our (and by our I mean Mimz&I) rescue and dropped us back after a shot detour to Lotus. Well, he did kinda owed us after Hartamas -_-.

Despite Dan constantly reminding us that we didn't win, I had truck loads of fun today. Seriously. Three years in a row, so don't ever question my loyalty to VI (LOL!). Let's just hope that the memories don't fade away...well not that soon anyways.

Team 4; "You see, it's a sign! SEI LA SEI LA!"

jue*there's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.

till the music drowns you out.

Okay, so there's a lot to blog about la. And I'm feeling damn lot of mixed emotions now which makes me want to rant. But I shall post up pictures instead. Cause I've been surpised a lot lately, and it surprised me I had as much fun as I did with the girls even though they weren't all my closestclosestclosest buddies. If they even exist.

Mei's Birthday; 17th March 2007.

I have to admit, I've never been to Hartamas during the day. Well, not unless it's to CatWhiskers. But seriously, the place is so quiet in the day. Despite some mix up with the meeting places at first, we ended up at Modesto's where we (sinfully) indulged in good good food :). Because we're oh-so-special, we were allowed to dine in the restaurant even though it was past their closing time. Who can deny a group of gorgeous girls? (Miriam, don't answer that).

Anyway, after lunch, we headed over to Coffee Bean for some girly talk and later on found ourselves at CatWhiskers. Haha :). It was just too tempting. And dammit, they're having a sale! Must-find-way-to-go. And the cash. The girls hitched a ride back with Mei leaving Mimz and I back. We weren't all that worried at first; the clothes make you forget about reality. Seriously. But soon after, we were like ohshytohshytohshyt.

So we decided to use Miriam's charm on Ming to fetch us back home, but it can't really be considered charm since there wasn't any to convince him to choose us over cartoons. Yes, we were left to get raped in Hartamas (so what if it was broad daylight) because a certain someone chose cartoons over US. Like ohmygodwhatthefuck.

But we found out way back anyways :). Haha. And obviously I didn't get raped if not I wouldn't be so happy typing out this post. Oh well. Let the pictures do the talking. Enjoy :).

SoulED Out preparing for St. Patrick's Day.

Nique, Mimz and I waiting for the others.

Miriam says she's shy. We don't buy it.

Okay so we were a little bored while waiting.

Hana Bambimbo.

Sinful indulgence. But it tasted so freaking good.

Mimz, Sherrie and me.

One blow job please ;).

@Coffee Bean.

And last but definitely not least, the birthday girl. Happy Seventeenth Koh Su Mei :).

jue*and we, can be happy can't you see?

and the record keeps playing.

I put my phone aside, pulled the comforter over my body and hugged a pillow close to my cheast. I tried to think of how well of things are, but it was like looking for a needle in a hay stack. I couldn't find an answer that could help me forget about the other thoughts that were slowly building in my head.

Different situations ran through my head, yet the silver lining seem to fade and fade until there was nothing positive to be seen. There was something missing. Something I havent quite figured out yet.

I've come to realise that being in denial probably could help me cope, but it will in no way make this disappear. I have a boy that's head over heels, friends that (seem to) care, clothes to wear and a roof over my head. But it didn't seem enough. Nothing seemed enough. I guess that's me for you. Nothing is ever satisfactory. And even if it was, satisfactory wasn't good enough. It's a cycle that never stops, only to work against my benefit.

As pathetic as it sounds, it's because of you I feel a void at the place where my heart should be. No matter how sure of myself I was before this, you seem to have taken that certainty away. I'm just another life form, wondering around. I have my ups and I have my downs. And just to keep the patheticness rolling, I've got to say all seems lost without you by my side, placing your hand on the small of my back, pushing me through the fog.

It's funny how your mind wanders and how many different thoughts you can come up with just before you sleep. It is then where my mind does most of is searching; happy thoughts, emo thoughts, random thoughts. But most of the time I wake up forgetting everything. In this case however, I was smart enough to actually type it out on my phone, just because I can type faster than I can write. Oh well. Till night falls...

jue*she keeps her secrets, tries to hide her past because lately, everything has gone way too fast.

denial is a very effective coping mechanism.

"The truth is when I'm not around you, I miss you. What can I say? I've fallen for you."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"You can't just snap your fingers and make everything go back to how it was."

"Well, we could try."

-------------------------------------------------------------

oh god you've gotta love the OC <3.

jue*the worst part of being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth.

baby you know it's true...

Randomness just because my spikes had to come off 2 metres away from passing the baton;

The most biologically PERFECT family. Seriously.

jue*...i can see it when i look at you.

the weather today is slightly sarcastic.

"I learnt that nothing ever stays the same. That no matter how happy you might be, no matter how long you would like it last, someone is gonna come and step all over your dreams cause for them, its just another piece of dirt on the ground. And eventhough you try your best to look at the glass half full, things never turns out the way you want it too. People change. Things change. Try your best to hold on to it, but we all know what happens at the end. Never put your trust into one person. They might just use everything against you. Be careful who you mix with. Be careful what you do. Cause in this kind of society, every single step you take is being judged upon by some lifeless person. Sigh."

This was written on the 22nd of December two years ago. Despite what I wrote up there, it's funny how some things never change. It's sad to say I've lost all the trust I've put in other people. If only they didn't do what they did. But then again, that would make things perfect. And nothing is ever perfect.

jue*she keeps her secrets, tries to hide her past because everything lately has gone way too fast.

i really don't wanna know how your garden grows.

The lights were off, I bid my goodnight to him, tucked myself in, stared at the ceiling and came to a realisation; I don't trust you anymore.

I'm not going to lie and say that you're the perfect man. But you were the one I would turn to when things go wrong. I've told you things I didn't dare tell anyone. I've spilled my heart out to you time and time again, expressing what I really feel because I knew I could trust you with my thoughts. I've spent nights and numerous phone calls with you just talking about everything and anything that ran through my mind. And yet you never failed to show me that what I thought didn't really matter.

Friendships have never been easy, and relationships even harder. And while we were caught in between, I was foolish enough to think it would last, that whatever we had was special enough to stand through the rocky roads.

I know I've done things that has hurt you. I know that I've hidden the truth before. But the difference between you and me is that I've come clean. I still remember the time you made me tell you about that incident. The incident I tried so hard to keep from everyone else. I couldn't stand to relive that moment, yet because of you, I did. It was not until two days later I found out the real reason you wanted to know, when you finally told me you've fallen for her.

You lie once, I forgive. You lie again, I forgive. You lie yet again, and I forgive. But not once did I forget. When I confront you, you lie straight to my face even though I know the truth. Why? Why do you deliberately do this to me? Is it to protect? Is it so I would be blinded from the true person you really are? Or are these actions taken without you even realising it?

What makes it worse is that I'm still all for you. That no matter how much you've hurt me lately or how much you've made me question things, you still make my knees weak every time you come near.

But then again I ask myself the age old question, what is love without trust?

I wish you could still be the person I turn to in my darkest moments. I wish I could talk to you the way we once did. I really do. For I miss your company, and I miss your comforting words. I miss your messages filling up my inbox. I miss everything we once had.

Shame on me for wanting things the way they used to be. Shame on me for hoping and thinking of things that were never meant to be.

jue*she says she wants to die, but in reality, she just wants to be saved.

you taste like self destruction.

First it was,


where it was tons of stress fun trying to cook with the other half of BLLB Girls.

But then came them,


that made all the previous stress fun worthwhile.


And of course there was,


which just made me so freaking happy :).


And the very next day came


where I paraded around in my new top...except I wore it as a dress ;).

My brother went just a little overboard,

and Farah took advantaged.

Who could forget


Brad's '"World Famous 1st,2nd,3rd,4th,5th,6th 7th Times A Charm" drink. We figured he added 'extra' ingredients in when he got all red after the 4th drink.

And just to remember the night by,

The Basement of Racism.

I had fun. Truckloads. We should do this all again. Seriously.

jue*you can never be too pretty.

better yet make your girlfriend disappear.

Two posts in a day. Somebody hand me an award.

I spent the later part of today sorting out the remaining pictures I have on the laptop. It's pretty pathetic when you only have less than a third of your original number of pictures. I've lost quite a bit including Prefect Camp 05, Prefect Camp 06, Trolak, Genting 05, Ebony&Ivory Night, Babi Sleepovers, other sleepovers, birthday parties, family trips, etc. So if you're a kind friend, please please send pictures of any events with ME in it (well obviously I don't want your random pictures right?) over here kay? Please and thank you :).

And I just spent a good hour or so reading my old posts on blogdrive. Not only has my writing style changed, but so has the content of my posts. And to tell you the truth, I really would like to return to those days. Damn. The posts were just so...happy. Don't get me wrong cause I'm not some sort of depressed kid who writes hate messages on my room wall with my own blood, but you know...I don't know la.

Okay, hilang plot. Lost mood to blog.

I still want my award though.

jue*maybe i'm not over him. but then again, maybe i don't wanna be.

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Today is the 14th of March 2007.

Yesterday, I finally realised I don't trust you as much as I did.
2 days ago, BLLB Girls went out for a very...strange(?) girl get together.
3 days ago, a certain someone has returned from a certain somewhere :).
4 days ago, it would be six (short) months to our SPM trials.
5 days ago, it marked seven (long) months. I still miss you.
6 days ago, we sat for our last March Test in high school. Not exactly a very remarkable accomplishment, I'm still happy no doubt.
27 days ago, it marked a year since I've had..that feeling.
28 days ago, it was Valentine's. 'Nuff said.
40 days ago, I reopened this blog.
73 days ago, I revamped my look and had a hell of a good time screaming as lungs out during New Years.
84 days ago, I came back from the place I still want to return to.
85 days ago, I was told something I would never have wanted to hear.
96 days ago, I celebrated my birthday visiting the queen and getting lost on our way to a friend's place.
109 days ago, I left for the UK.
110 days ago, everything was perfect.

jue*i've been thinking lately i could use a little time alone with you.

and i know it's a wonderful world but i can't feel it right now.

Posted dated; 17th January 2007.

I find it ironic how games that don’t require high IQ make people with above average IQ feel smart. Yeah, today has been the best English period so far. Maybe because ThanaManaThanaSana didn’t come in. Haha. :)

--------------------------------------------------------------

“I can’t be the one that keeps on making the first move”

I miss you. I do.

But there’s no turning back now back now. We’ve both moved on…haven’t we?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted,
Just like I imagine,
I could never feel this way.

So get back, back, back to the disaster,

My heart's beating faster,

Holding on to feel the same.

--------------------------------------------------------------

It’s when you need your friends most that they’ve all disappeared. I’ve given up pouring my heart out.

jue*we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

you're so addictive.

She’s like so whatever,

You could do so much better,

I think we should get together now,

And that’s what everyone’s talking about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend!

In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
Cause I can, cause I can do it better
There’s no other
So when's it gonna sink in?
She’s so stupid

What the hell were you thinking?!

jue*sex, lies and fairytales; the lie is that there's no sex, just fairytales.

there's a secret garden she has.

Because I've got physics reports, gazillion add math exercises, practical work, bio exercises and studying that I've yet to start on.

Because I just feel like it :).

1. I start cleaning things when I get stressed up.
2. I'm afraid of the dark.
3. Even though she always had higher marks than me during art, I never liked her art work or doodles, no matter how great she thinks she is.
4. I don't have a favourite colour.
5. I can live on McDonalds and chicken rice. (explains the recent extra pounds)
6. I never make the first move.
7. I get restless very easily.
8. Oh, and I'm not Malay.
9. I think Angelina Jolie is very hott.
10. I don't like people with that have what I would say, a bad taste in music.
11. Which is really because I don't like people who don't agree with me.
12. I love outdoor parties.
13. I don't know how to cycle.
14. I don't like people who introduce/know me as "Mogan's sister".
15. In case you've been walking around with your eyes and ears closed, I'm a PTS kid :).
16. I really was innocent at one point of time (!).
17. Someone said my friends and I are an "exclusive bunch". Hah.
18. I have phases. It's not my fault. (still trying to think of a reason it isn't)
19. I want to go back to UK. Road trip and all.
20. I get (very) annoyed when a line isn't straight or a book has doggy ears but my study desk, closet, dressing table, room and tuition table are always messy. Seriously.
21. I'm very fickle minded.
22. I have a cupboard full of Barbie Dolls.
23. I cry tear very easily when watching TV Shows or movies.
24. I used to talk to myself in my own language. When my dad asked me what it was, I said, "Japanese" ;).
25. I used to put pampers on my stuff toys.
26. I still keep my masak-masak set.
27. My (then) best friend and I fought over a boy...when we were 5.
28. I have all of Britney Spears albums.
29. I used to have enough dicipline to only allow myself on the Internet once a week for one hour. Where has THAT gone to?
30. I secretly think my brother does look a tad bit like Justin Timberlake.
31. I love watching Blue's Clues.
32. I prefer black lingerie over red.
33. My close group of friends change constantly.
34. I was on Kopitiam for an episode.
35. I want with the guy I potentially would want to marry first despite Puan Chua's advise on danging our golden carrots.
36. I feel very alone with my friends.
37. I want a baby brother.
38. I have no problems with thin models. I like Kate Moss. Sue me.
39. I'm very bad at saving money.
40. I only have eight pairs of shoes because apparently, my mum says my feet will grow. Fyi, I've been a size 4 since Form 1.
41. I like bad boyys.
42. I like to lock the door and dance along with the music in my room.
43. I think Puan Loo's jokes have gotten lame.
44. I enjoy having random company.
45. I spend a lot of my time reading about other people's lives.
46. I don't lke crying, like CRYING in public. Movies are exceptional. But that really can't constitute as crying anyway.
47. I'm actually a very lazy person.
48. I don't like (the) midget(s).
49. I want an iPod.
50. The book that I've been hooked on the most is The Pact by Jodi Picoult. Well that and the Harry Potter series.
51. I like celebrity gossip.
52. I like cooking and I actually can cook edible food without causing food poisoning.
53. I have a thing for short skirts.
54. I also have a thing for nicknaming people; ie : Superman, Holy Boyy, Midget, Queen Bee, Sir Lala McShortyPants :).
55. And I also have a another thing for switching blog names (hehe).
56. I used to read the dictionary. It didn't help.
57. My first overseas trip (that I can remember) was to Bali.
58. My name was supposed to be Manjulika. Like seriously. Thank goodness my mum had enough sense to change my dad's mind.

Okay, I really have to get back to the homework. You know there's something wrong when Hang starts studying so I guess I should start sometime soon. Until next time, TTFN, tata for now :).

jue*i can't wait to fall in love with you.

i'm so -- happy i could die.

She says I'm moody, he says I'm cranky. I say I'm tired of all this shyt and I'm planning to call it quits. How exactly, I'm not to sure.

Thank goodness I have my phone for company.

I just sounded very pathetic.

Fuck it.

jue*i've got to let you know that i need you tonight.