i really don't wanna know how your garden grows.

The lights were off, I bid my goodnight to him, tucked myself in, stared at the ceiling and came to a realisation; I don't trust you anymore.

I'm not going to lie and say that you're the perfect man. But you were the one I would turn to when things go wrong. I've told you things I didn't dare tell anyone. I've spilled my heart out to you time and time again, expressing what I really feel because I knew I could trust you with my thoughts. I've spent nights and numerous phone calls with you just talking about everything and anything that ran through my mind. And yet you never failed to show me that what I thought didn't really matter.

Friendships have never been easy, and relationships even harder. And while we were caught in between, I was foolish enough to think it would last, that whatever we had was special enough to stand through the rocky roads.

I know I've done things that has hurt you. I know that I've hidden the truth before. But the difference between you and me is that I've come clean. I still remember the time you made me tell you about that incident. The incident I tried so hard to keep from everyone else. I couldn't stand to relive that moment, yet because of you, I did. It was not until two days later I found out the real reason you wanted to know, when you finally told me you've fallen for her.

You lie once, I forgive. You lie again, I forgive. You lie yet again, and I forgive. But not once did I forget. When I confront you, you lie straight to my face even though I know the truth. Why? Why do you deliberately do this to me? Is it to protect? Is it so I would be blinded from the true person you really are? Or are these actions taken without you even realising it?

What makes it worse is that I'm still all for you. That no matter how much you've hurt me lately or how much you've made me question things, you still make my knees weak every time you come near.

But then again I ask myself the age old question, what is love without trust?

I wish you could still be the person I turn to in my darkest moments. I wish I could talk to you the way we once did. I really do. For I miss your company, and I miss your comforting words. I miss your messages filling up my inbox. I miss everything we once had.

Shame on me for wanting things the way they used to be. Shame on me for hoping and thinking of things that were never meant to be.

jue*she says she wants to die, but in reality, she just wants to be saved.