so just hold me tight, and never let me go.

Last night marked the third night I cried myself to sleep this week. There hasn't been a night in this past few months where my thoughts didn't wander, where my mind didn't go to a place beyond my control. I hate being left alone, I hate being given the silence to ponder on things I know I shouldn't be thinking off. But at a tender age of 15, how am I to know how to control my thoughts? To block off the feelings I don't want to feel?

Ever since young I've learnt to not show how I truly feel in front of people. The tears and the anger were kept behind closed doors, for showing too much emotion just potreyed weakness. God forbid it would be used against you. A little cry in front of my parents and it'll be the dinner table conversation the next day. Ever since young I've learnt to stifle up those cries and force a smile because what they don't know won't hurt them, right?

But lately, things has just been so different. I know it'll never be the way it was, I've come to terms with that. So much energy used on those wasted tears that by the time the sun rises, there's no more energy left in me to go by the whole day.

Everyone I thought I was/am close with, everyone I thought that cared seems to be disappearing one by one. The worse thing is to lose someone you care about, but imagine losing them all at once? Swimming up to the surface has never been this difficult before. Imagine being stuck in an unknown place and you frantically look around, searching for a familiar face. There's no one there you know, everyone's just a blur of faces. You try to scream, to yell a cry for help. You just want someone to notice, someone to talk to, someone to help you. But you're alone. And there's no way out.

That's exactly how I feel right now. A big ball of mess.

And oh god, I miss him so much. Images of the times we had keep running through my head. There's nothing I can do, as much as I want to believe there is. I try so desperately to grasp on to the things that once held us so close, but I'm slowly losing grip. I've never been one to let go so easily but who knew it would be so hard? And I miss him the most when I'm dark and lonely. I miss him because he used to be is that ray of sunshine, that special someone who could brighten up my day, anyday. I've never felt so lost without someone. I've never wanted someone as much as I want him to come back. But we all know what they say, "You always want what you can't have..."

jue*i haven't seen the sunshine in three damn days.