your final lullaby.

I've been left to contemplate something major for some days now and while completing my homework just awhile ago, I realised the answer was somewhat just right in front of me (literally).

Lo and behold, I looked up from my pile of work to see a note I had a written that simply said;

My advice is to not let the boys in.

So I made up my mind.

You were so last year.

be my whatever, boy.

Sure, I'm often wearing a mini-skirt and I have more three-inch stilettos than ballet pumps or flip flops, but heck, in no way am I gonna squeal at dirt or a worm. So it was kindasorta demeaning when there were some who were surprised that I actually was interested for the hike. I mean, it's just a hike. Am I really seen to be so incapable of going through such a thing?

But all things aside, kudos to Jon for a really great effort.

The following pictures of lastlast weekend's hike are all courtesy of Suet Wei - since I couldn't find the extra batteries for my camera.

If you squint, you can see red arrows. That's the number of times we crossed Sungai Chiling (I kid you not).

Just after the hike up.

The waterfall was absolutely gorgeous. Too bad pictures couldn't do it justice.

Did I mention we were the only girls among a bus load (and a couple of cars) of boys?

Jonny Jon.

Yes, Alex is insane - just in case you were wondering.

Kay Cheong's quite funny.

Oh, I also realised my love for scouts is pretty much...still there.

Sam Lock (my Further Math lecturer/mentor) told me in class,
"I saw the pictures on Facebook. So fat!"

...and he says it in this insanely Chinese-y way.

Tatsuki stacking rocks on rocks - vertically. (He's a ninja, I swear!)

Alex and his tanning.

Just for the record, Tatsuki doesn't do much to make us not believe he's a ninja. I mean, diving into shallow icy cold water, stacking rocks vertically and climbing poles? Oh, sure, like you could do that.

Only he can.

Because he's Japanese a ninja.

And what surprised me the most was how much fun I could have with some I barely know and most I've never even met before.

'Twas a good experience, really.

the art of subconcious illusions.

What do you say we go back to my room and do some math:

Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

...Okay, so maybe I'm a little bit of a horny math geek.

lets be more than this.

A few questions that I need to know,

How you could ever hurt me so,

I need to know what I've done wrong

and how long it's been going on.

To be honest, I haven't really thought about you in awhile. I've gotten over that. I won't deny however, that yes, occasionally, you do somewhat run through my mind. But I'd only be too quick to brush it off. If you're not dwelling on me, why should I dwell on you?

Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane,
but I'll know never to make
the same mistake again.

Yet sometimes all I want to do is come back home and spend hours on the phone with you - just like we used to. Sometimes I think that things could return to how they are, to what I remember it us to be. But more often than not, I feel like this is a battle not worth fighting. Not when the prize refuses to be won.

You can tell me to my face,
or even on the phone,
You can write it in a letter,
either way, I have to know.
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind,
All the answers to my questions
I have to find.

There's so many things I wish I could say to you, so many things I want to say to you. But I'm always stopped at the tracks, waiting (not so) patiently for the red light to change to green. Every attempt at piecing the thoughts together just results in words that sound so final.

But maybe that's just it. Maybe that's the only way it we can be - nothing.

We both knew too well that being friends just isn't for us.

I'm not crazy,
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong,
No, I'm just waiting,
'Cause I heard that this feeling won't last that long.

So with this goodbye, many questions are left unanswered. Why did you do the things you did leaving me the way I am? Why did you start things you knew you couldn't finish? What changed you? I've come to terms that despite what you say, you won't hand those answers on a silver platter.

I should have known better.

I'll keep searching,

Deep within my soul,

For all the answers,

Don't wanna hurt no more.

...and now I do.

kiss and tell.

I dare say that Raya this year has been a complete 180.

No convoys to open houses, no heart-to-hearts' with Koh Su Mei and most of all, no stolen kisses.

To think it's almost a year since a certain purple baju melayu and that recording at Sarah's place.

But then again, it's not like I actually celebrate Raya.

Considering the best friend has made friends with sheep, the twin is back in Kuching and everyone else seems to be either studying for exams, gone back to their hometowns or studying for exams in their hometowns, I've spent the last week with family.

Went back to Ipoh over the weekend for my grandfather's 20th anniversary. I never had the chance to meet my grandfather, but from all that I've heard from family, friends and even people I don't know of, he seemed to be one remarkable man. Someone people looked up to and respected. Someone so dedicated and loving that it amazes me. It was heartbreaking to see my grandmother. All I wanted to do was bend down and hug her as she held back the tears and leaned to kiss my grandfather's grave. Twenty years without her soul mate. How could anyone survive that?

As terrified as I am of all things supernatural, I somewhat enjoyed walking around the graves, trying to decipher the faded carvings on the tomb stones. An unexplainable feeling would hit me every time I see a grave only a couple feet long. It must have been a child - I would utter to myself. I can't help but to wonder what had happened all those years back (most of the graves were from the 70's and 80's). When a family was buried all on the same day, what could have happened? Fire? Accident? Murder? Some graves have been left unattended for decades, covered with weeds and moss. I don't know, there's just something about cemeteries that gets to me - the peacefulness, the mystery, the silence.

I've enjoyed the time alone so far, I think. Been spending so much time in the kitchen that my family has actually had home cooked food for the last few days.

The very tall pile of homework is still staring back at me, untouched for several weeks.

It's already Friday and there's still so much left to do. Maybe I should stop procrastinating, maybe I should stick to my priorities, maybe I should complete all the half written posts saved under my drafts.

...Or maybe I should bake blueberry muffins.

Yes, now that sounds sane enough.

Blueberry muffins, yum.