jonathan gan.

In Loving Memory Of

Jonathan Gan

26th July 1990 - 9th August 2006

I was ready to go to bed when my sister passed the phone to me. At first I thought it was Vid making sure I got her message that she couldn't stay for long for today's meeting. I never expected what I heard next. She told me slowly, "Jon..Gan..passed...away." I took a while to digest those four words. I was so sure it was a mistake. So sure she got her facts wrong.

...She wasn't.

That night, I cried buckets. I couldn't fall asleep because all I could think about were the "What If's". He just turned 16 two weeks ago. He told me he had gone through a few operations and was recovering...until he went unheard of for a couple of months. By 6 in the morning, my eyes were dry and puffy but my pillow case was soaking wet. I got out of bed wishing it was a dream, that everything I heard last night was all just my imagination.

I got ready for school, stepped into the PR not knowing what to do. I spent the morning just staring into space, my mind was totally blank. Soon, the news spread to my friends. They would come up to me, ask me if I was okay and comforted me with a hug. I just stood there, shaking my head, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Even as I sat for the first two papers, I couldn't stop crying. In the other rows, I could see Carmen and Vid doing the same. Other friends, not knowing what happened passed remarks that I looked pale and questioned why I wasn't my usual cheerful and talkative self.

Its hard to pretend everything is for the better when all you want to do is see his face just one more time.

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Dear Jon,

I regret that I never will have the chance to say this to you face to face. You made more than an impact on my life. It was only two years ago when we first met at my school's gathering. Almost immediately we started talking and a friendship blossomed from one rose...my very first rose. And ever since then, you were always there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. Where are you now? However, I will never regret getting to know someone as special as you. We've shared so much between each other from the little things to the issues that could have shattered the world.

As I sit here crying again, I choose to remember you as the guy who never failed to brighten up my day even on your bad days. I admire your courage and strength to face everything that God has thrown to you over the past year. You left us too early, way to early. But maybe this is for the better, only time will tell. I'm going to miss you Jon.

I'll miss your black convos with me. I'll miss your lame smses filling up my inbox. I'll miss sharing love stories with you. I'll miss calling you dodol. I'll miss you annoying me about how hot Emma Watson is. I'll miss listening to your endless list of girls. I'll miss your ego. I'll miss the way you made my heart skip a beat. I'll miss your dances. I'll miss hearing your voice on the other side of the phone. I'll miss having identical playlists with you. I'll miss your smile. I'll miss the way you made me smile. I'll miss the way you made me laugh. I'll miss you singing Last Kiss and Doing that Thing You Do. I'll miss the way you made me feel so special. I'll miss you. I'll miss everything about you.

Thank you for two amazing years. Thank you for that campfire I'll never forget. I'm sorry I didn't live up to my promise. May you rest in peace. Save a place in heaven for me.

Oh where oh where can my Jonnie be,

The Lord took him away from me...

jue*maybe God needed another angel.

when it rains, it pours.

Somehow, even though it was announced over a month ago, a little part of me told myself not to give up hope that miracles could happen if the person really deserved it. I reminded myself that nothing is final until they get installed, and officially wear their navy blue blazers and Miss World-like sashes. So I prayed, and cried, and prayed some more, pushing for a miracle. Unfortunately, Lady Luck wasn't on my side, and the impossible dream was well...impossible.

To see someone do something you want to do so much, to see someone taking over something that should have been yours...I don't think I've ever been this disapointed before. But life is not and never will be fair, and there's nothing anyone can do about it except to hold back the tears, fake a plastic smile and pretend like nothing is wrong.

And it'll be much appreciated if you don't tell me to get over it cause you have no idea how hard I (and some others) worked for this. And it's not alright to lose from a popularity contest. However, a big thank you to those who believed in what I am/was capable of, and even though I don't know who exactly who you are, I'll never forget having you behind my back.

Oh well.

Like Aishah said, "Can't she just friggin get over it?"

So here's my congratulations to the new Board of Directors of ICSA 06/07.

President : Vanushia Thirumal.

Vice President : Sherrie Tam.

Secretary : Siti Nuraishah Pilus.

Treasurer : Esther Lee.

Comm. Service Dir : Nikki Lim.

Club Service Dir : Shobini Balraj.

IU Dir : Shalini J.

Finance Dir : Miriam Tiong.

Sgt. At Arms : Nur Syafika Zazili

Editor : Darshini.

Good job to the BBians on an install well done. I had fun yesterday. :)

Viva La Interact.

jue* standing on the edge of tragedy, waiting for someone to push her off.

good morning heartache.

i'm not dead.

kthxbye.

jue*and you're the only place that feels like home.

my goodbye letter.

I sit here crying and you know what I'm realizing? That its okay to cry because I lost something that I really cared about, something that I'm not too sure I can get back...You. And even though I know you're not crying over me, I still can't let go, cause I love you and I'm not sure how but I do and it's okay to cry.

jue*love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.

cheer all out or don't cheer at all.

It's finally over. Months of training, hours of dedication and buckets of tears. It's all finally come to an end. Cheer 06' has come and gone just as quickly as the wind blows by. Although D*sTarZ didn't do as well as i hoped they would have done, we improved on the second day, and showed those who doubted as what we've really got.

I hope its not to late for me to thank whoever who were kind enough to push their other obligations away, and come and show those performing some love, to show that our hardwork and dedication was not wasted. And an extra big thank you and a wet sloppy kiss for you if you came for D*sTaRz. I don't think a team has ever made me feel so dedicated to a sport then the team I have had. And to all my friends, close or not, one and a half warm fuzzy hugs for you to showing that you care. The crowd was simply amazing this year, and the support from you guys was even more. I'll never forget the shouts and screams I heard from you guys as I stepped onto the blue mat. No amount of words would be able to express how grateful I am. :)

You might be wondering why Cheer this year is such a big deal for me. Its my second year performing and for whatever support I didn't get last year, this year surely made up for it. I'm pretty sure this year would be my last on the blue mat as I'll be making way for better members to join the team next year. So yeah, its basically my last year performing at National's. I tried to make every moment last a lifetime, taking mental images since I was too lazy to whip out my camera. I doubt I'll ever forget my friends coming to support the team, Redha lying to me, the superb performances, the tears, the laughs, the screams, the boards, the tickle fights and the kisses. Everyone played a part in making the last two days nothing short of amazing.

And last but definately not least, to the team I've grown to love - its gonna take a while till I get used to not spending every minute of every day during and after school with you guys. To all our whacked up fun, to the arguments, to the mood swings, to the injuries, to the pictures, to all the fun and laughter that has now become priceless. I'll most certainly be missing each one of you; Aina, Ain Z, Ain B, Aishah, Amanda, Afifah, Carmen, Dayah, Esther, Hana Sepet, Hana Bulat, Laksh, Layla, Liy, Taty, Poly, Waniey, Zati and not forgetting Jude. I would forever hold dear to the memories that we've built, the life lessons that we've learnt and the obstacles that we've overcome all as a team.

WHAT TEAM?

D*sTaRz!

jue*i think the hardest part of holding on is letting go.